5 Rules for Fighting Fair in Marriage

Fair fighting?! It might seem like an oxymoron, but the reality is that there are rules to fighting fairly. At some point, all couples experience a blip in the road of marital bliss. Whether you’re fighting about the division of chores or finances, the reality is that disagreements occur in all marriages. The key is to arm yourself with problem solving skills and conflict resolution skills.

But what skills exactly do you need? If you Google it, you’ll find 30 rules (or 15 or 10) for fair fighting. There are dozens of good ideas out there, and many of them are worth reading, but in the heat of the moment, it’s difficult to remember 30 rules for fair fighting.

Thankfully, Dr. Dan Guy, a licensed clinical psychologist, has compiled the 5 rules for fair fighting in marriage.

Rule #1: Nothing Physical

“No abuse is a no brainer,” Dr. Guy reminds us. However, there’s more to this rule than just avoiding physical abuse. Dr. Guy explains, “When something is thrown, or a door is slammed, or a hole is put in a wall, it sends the non-verbal message/warning that ‘I am so out of control that this could be you.’ This type of intimidation can only serve to make the problems worse, and damage the relationship further.”

In other words, while it might seem not-so-bad to throw a book at the wall or slam a door (since you’re not physically harming the other), it sends a threatening message, even if that’s not your goal.

Rule #2: No Name-Calling

Name-calling only adds tension to an already tense situation. Dr. Guy likens it to “throwing gasoline on the fire, with the obvious result of making things worse than when you started.”

So what counts as name-calling? The answer might surprise you.

“Remember, name calling is not limited to the ‘B-words’. If you tell your spouse, ‘You are just like your mother’ or ‘You act just like your father’, it can be just as cutting as that singular expletive,” Dr. Guy says.

Rule #3: Take a Time-Out

Time-outs have a bad reputation as something you are forced to endure if you break a rule. The idea of a time-out may conjure the image of a child sitting in the corner after hitting a sibling, but the reality is that a time-out can be a good thing. Time-outs allow you to regroup and retain self-control. Instead of imaging a naughty child, think of a football or basketball team. They call time-outs so that they make a game plan and regroup.

You too can call a time-out to regroup.

Dr. Guy provides the guidance on calling a time-out: “You must maintain self-control. If you are about to lose control, say ‘I love you and I feel like I am about to say something hurtful, and because I love you, I don’t want to do that, so I need a few minutes to calm down.'”

Calling a time-out isn’t the same thing as avoiding the conflict. Taking a few minutes to calm down isn’t the same thing as saying, “I’m losing, so I quit.”

If you take a time-out, there’s a catch: You have to come back to finish the argument in a controlled way. Dr. Guy expands on the baseball analogy:

“When a coach calls a timeout, the team does not go to the locker room, shower, get dressed, and get on the bus.  They take a break, get a drink of water, regain control of their emotions, and re-enter the game with a renewed sense of hope and determination to win the game.”

Note that when it comes to couples therapy, “winning the game” is equivalent to resolving the issue.

By the way, you can’t call a time-out for your spouse — only for yourself.

Rule #4: Only Fight About One Thing at a Time

It’s a common situation. You’re arguing about who’s turn it is to empty the dishwasher, when suddenly you’re arguing about something that happened two months ago.

Why does this happen? Dr. Guy explains, “When somebody finds that they are losing an argument, they will often “go back into the history books” to find an argument that they won or was justified in, and bring it into this new argument, in an attempt to win.” It’s tempting to bring up old issues, but it doesn’t help the argument at hand.

“The problem is now you arguing about two things, then three things, and it becomes almost impossible to have something positive come out of the argument. It becomes a jumbled mess of issues,” Dr. Guy explains.

If you have several unresolved issues, it’s best to address them separately, not while you’re trying to solve the most current issue. In this case, you might consider the benefits of couple’s therapy to help you sort through issues and strengthen your conflict resolution skills.

Rule #5: Don’t Argue to Win; Argue for Resolution

This is probably the toughest rule. It is human nature to want to win, and win at any cost.

Winning doesn’t mean that you’ve seen the end of this argument. In fact, it’s more likely that you’ll be having this same argument again. Why? According to Dr. Guy, “Maybe you can win the argument through force/intimidation, manipulation, or cunning, but you will have the same argument again in a week, because it has not been ‘resolved.'” If you have a hard time with conflict resolution, couple’s therapy can help you develop these skills.

Think About Your “Opponent”

Remember that you are arguing with somebody you love.  You aren’t arguing with your enemy. You’re arguing with your spouse, and you’re not in a boxing ring (which is a square by the way). You’re not on a basketball court, a soccer pitch (not baseball by the way), a debate podium, or a football field, where you want to DOMINATE your opponent.

This is somebody that you want to build a life with — that is exciting.

If Following These Rules Isn’t Enough…Should You Consider Couple’s Therapy?

Sometimes, a couple can follow the rules for fair fighting and overcome a squabble here and there. Sometimes, though, there are serious issues (like trust issues, etc.) and additional help is needed to resolve the conflict(s). Couple’s therapy and counseling isn’t just for couples on the brink of divorce. Therapy can strengthen relationships in all phases.

Explore Your Next Steps

At NextStep 2 Mental Health, we provide comprehensive and compassionate mental health care — and that includes couples therapy and marital counseling. Whether you’ve been struggling with multiple issues or you just can’t seem to resolve a conflict, we can help you get your relationship back on track. Give us a call at our Louisville, Kentucky office at 502-339-2442, or send us a message to request more information. 

About Dr. Dan Guy

Dr. Guy specializes in the treatment of ADHD, depression, anxiety, mood swings, relational problems, and issues pertaining to self-doubt and self-value. He is skilled in the use of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), solution focused therapy, and reality therapy. He also provides psychotherapy for individuals with bipolar disorder and some addictive behaviors. Dr. Guy has helped hundreds of individuals, couples, and families establish loving relationships, healthy communication, and effectively address mental health issues. As a trusted professional, Dr. Guy will walk beside you as you face challenges in your life and will guide you toward healing and fulfillment.

You can now book an appointment with Dr. Guy here or give us a call at our Louisville, Kentucky mental health clinic at 502-339-2442 .