Your Guide to Improving Communication in Marriage

If changes to “life as you know it” have caused tension in your relationship, you’re not alone. With more people staying at home and working at home, the increased time spent together can add pressure to your relationship. Anger, fear, and frustration are common feelings to experience during uncertain times such as these, and it can take a toll on your communication in marriage.

That being said, stress from current events or small squabbles don’t have to derail your relationship.  Relationships, pandemic or not, require regular maintenance to function like a well-oiled machine. And one way to maintain a healthy relationship is by continually working to improve your communication.

Here are our best tips on strengthening the communication skills in your marriage.

Step-By-Step Guide on Communication in Your Marriage

1. Learn How to Fight Fairly

Conflict is a scary word, but the reality is that disagreements are part of living with another person. Conflicts, though, don’t necessarily mean that your relationship is in trouble. The key is to learn to resolve disagreements fairly and with respect.

Sometimes disagreements are minor, but most relationship conflicts are recurring issues. In fact, up to 69% of relationship conflicts are caused by recurring issues. This means that the majority of conflicts arise because past issues aren’t properly resolved. Avoiding fights isn’t necessarily better. Avoidance doesn’t allow for the problems to be solved — and that can account for those recurring conflicts. Having good communication in your marriage won’t eliminate sources of conflict, but strong communication skills can help you better resolve differences.

The key is to fight fairly. You can learn five strategies to fight fairly in this post by Dr. Dan Guy.

One of the guiding principles behind fair fighting is to remember who you are fighting with. As Dr. Guy reminds us, “Remember that you are arguing with somebody you love.” 

Tip: If you know you need to have an important conversation, plan ahead. Don’t spring a potentially hot topic issue on your spouse — which leads to tip #2.

2. Schedule Important Conversations

Throughout your marriage, you will have dozens (if not hundreds) of important conversations with your spouse. Unfortunately, poorly timed conversations don’t lay the best foundation for open communication.

Imagine this scenario: 

You need to talk to your spouse about something important. Your spouse walks in the door after a long, hard day at work. He or she may not have enough energy to handle a big conversation. He or she may even feel attacked.

Instead:

Let your spouse know you need to talk about X,Y,Z. Ask him or her, “When is a good time for us to talk about (insert your topic of conversation here) with me?”

Why this works:

Scheduling an important conversation ensures that your partner is in the right frame of mind to think logically about the topic at hand. Asking to schedule an important conversation also ensures that you two have the time and space and attention you each deserve. It’s hard to have a big conversation when you’re walking in the door from work and trying to set down your briefcase, get dinner on the table, etc.

3. Learn Your Spouse’s Love Language

One of the most important things you can do for your relationship is to learn your spouse’s love language. The love languages are inspired The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The primary love languages are:

1. Words of affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Quality time
4. Gifts
5. Physical touch

You can improve your communication skills by “speaking” your spouse’s love language.

Ask your partner about the things that make them feel loved — or unloved. As you listen to your spouse, listen with an open mind and open heart. This open communication is a great exercise in keeping the communication line open. You may learn new things about your spouse, and it may even change the way you two communicate!

Bonus: Tune in to this podcast episode as Oprah Winfrey interviews Dr. Gary Chapman.

Types of Communication in Marriage

In marriage, there are many ways to practice your communication skills. Communication is a big umbrella that encompasses everything from quick text messages to schedule a dinner to big sit-down conversations to decide which house you want to buy.

1. Informal Conversations

Informal conversations — or small talk — are one of the most frequent ways you can communicate with your spouse. Informal conversations are:

• Simple connections
• Don’t require emotional vulnerability

Examples:

• “Hi, honey! How was your day?”
• “I’m starving. Where should we go for dinner?”
• “Did you the sports recap on the radio?”
• “Did you help Emily with her science project, or should I?”

2. “Making Decisions” Administrative Meetings

After small talk, you’ll have plenty of “administrative” conversations in your marriage. These types of conversations include:

• Setting budgets
• Deciding on which new car to buy
• Arranging carpool schedules

Communicating about major decisions is an important part of your marriage. While you don’t need to discuss every decision (like what to order at a restaurant), there are some topics that always require a discussion. With your spouse, determine which types of decisions always require an administrative meeting first. Examples include:

• Making vacation plans
• Spending over a certain dollar amount

Each couple may have their own guidance. For example, one couple may say that spending over $100 requires a quick check-in while other couples may set a different number. Regardless, it’s important to stick to the rules you and your spouse set. Most importantly, always be considerate of your spouse.

3. Solution-Finding Conversations

You may also need to communicate with your spouse to resolve a conflict or find a solution to a problem. Maybe your car broke down and you need to figure out a way to get the car to the shop and share the remaining car. It’s important to approach these solutions-focused conversations remembering that your spouse is your teammate. Together, you can work to find a solution for the current issue.

These types of conversations can slip-slide into an argument, especially if you disagree on what the right solution is. Keep in mind that resolution of the problem is the goal — not whether or not your idea is the winning solution.

4. Life-Giving Conversations

Have you ever stayed up late into the night talking with your spouse? Sometimes a conversation has the power to recharge your soul and rekindle your relationship. These are life-giving conversations.

Let’s back up a minute: the small talk and the administrative meetings and the solution-finding conversations are  reactive conversations — triggered by some need or event.

Life-giving conversations aren’t necessarily spurred on by an event. These are proactive conversations that allow you to grow closer to your spouse, to understand him or her better, and to explore each other’s hopes and dreams.

The first three types of conversations monopolize most of your time, but the life-giving conversations are incredibly important. If you’re struggling to make time for life-giving conversations, try to follow the 10-minute rule. According to research led by Dr. Terri Orbuch, the happiest couples spent at least 10 minutes each day talking about meaningful things — not the day to day administrative topics.

TRY IT: Ask your spouse to spend at least 10 minutes talking about life-giving topics. This can include your hopes, dreams, anything that helps you understand your partner better. During this time , don’t talk about your kids, the chores, the house, or work. Focus on your spouse.

Find the joy in rediscovering your spouse. Your spouse grows and evolves as a person and that gives you the chance to keep rediscovering your partner. That’s the beauty of marriage!

There are many factors that can impact your quality of communication with your spouse. The following can prevent open and honest communication:

• Busy schedules (not making time for important conversations)
• Not feeling loved or valued
• Not actively listening (and possibly misinterpreting your spouse’s points)
• Trust issues from past transgressions
• Avoiding tough conversations (to avoid a potential falling out)
• Difficulty expressing tough emotions

The good news is that communication skills can be developed and strengthened.

4 Tips to Improve Communication with Your Spouse

Always Ask Them How They Are Doing and How You Can Help

If your spouse is going through a stressful time, ask what you can do to help. This lets your spouse know that you see what they are going through. This is a good opportunity for your spouse to open to you, share frustrations, and possibly work as a team to reduce your spouse’s stress load.

Give Space When It’s Needed

Everyone reacts to stress differently. Some people like to talk out loud, hashing out ideas to find solutions. Other people prefer a little quiet space to think and reflect alone. If your spouse asks for quiet time, remember that it isn’t always you! Asking for space doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t want to talk. Quiet reflection may be just what your spouse needs to think — and then come back to you for a discussion.

Focus on You

Relationships take work and care, but don’t forget to take care of yourself too. You may find that as you work to improve yourself (#personaldevelopment), you become a better communicator and a better partner to your spouse!

Make Time for Date Night

While your favorite date night spots might be off the agenda for a while due to COVID, you can still find ways to keep your date night consistent. By setting that intentional time to reconnect,  it keeps the communication lines between the two of you open.

Try:

• A date night at home (date subscription boxes, cooking a new meal together, planning an old fashioned game night)
• Walking around town, hand in hand, sipping on coffee
• Going for a hike together

Remember…

Marriage is a marathon — not a sprint. It takes effort, hard work, and a little grace to make a marriage work. Keeping the focus on your communication in your marriage prepares you for any obstacles that lay ahead.

Need a Little Help

At NextStep 2 Mental Health, we provide comprehensive and compassionate mental health care — and that includes couples therapy and marital counseling. Whether you’ve been struggling with multiple issues or you just can’t seem to resolve a conflict, we can help you get your relationship back on track. Give us a call at our Louisville, Kentucky office at 502-339-2442, or send us a message to request more information. 

5 Rules for Fighting Fair in Marriage

Fair fighting?! It might seem like an oxymoron, but the reality is that there are rules to fighting fairly. At some point, all couples experience a blip in the road of marital bliss. Whether you’re fighting about the division of chores or finances, the reality is that disagreements occur in all marriages. The key is to arm yourself with problem solving skills and conflict resolution skills.

But what skills exactly do you need? If you Google it, you’ll find 30 rules (or 15 or 10) for fair fighting. There are dozens of good ideas out there, and many of them are worth reading, but in the heat of the moment, it’s difficult to remember 30 rules for fair fighting.

Thankfully, Dr. Dan Guy, a licensed clinical psychologist, has compiled the 5 rules for fair fighting in marriage.

Rule #1: Nothing Physical

“No abuse is a no brainer,” Dr. Guy reminds us. However, there’s more to this rule than just avoiding physical abuse. Dr. Guy explains, “When something is thrown, or a door is slammed, or a hole is put in a wall, it sends the non-verbal message/warning that ‘I am so out of control that this could be you.’ This type of intimidation can only serve to make the problems worse, and damage the relationship further.”

In other words, while it might seem not-so-bad to throw a book at the wall or slam a door (since you’re not physically harming the other), it sends a threatening message, even if that’s not your goal.

Rule #2: No Name-Calling

Name-calling only adds tension to an already tense situation. Dr. Guy likens it to “throwing gasoline on the fire, with the obvious result of making things worse than when you started.”

So what counts as name-calling? The answer might surprise you.

“Remember, name calling is not limited to the ‘B-words’. If you tell your spouse, ‘You are just like your mother’ or ‘You act just like your father’, it can be just as cutting as that singular expletive,” Dr. Guy says.

Rule #3: Take a Time-Out

Time-outs have a bad reputation as something you are forced to endure if you break a rule. The idea of a time-out may conjure the image of a child sitting in the corner after hitting a sibling, but the reality is that a time-out can be a good thing. Time-outs allow you to regroup and retain self-control. Instead of imaging a naughty child, think of a football or basketball team. They call time-outs so that they make a game plan and regroup.

You too can call a time-out to regroup.

Dr. Guy provides the guidance on calling a time-out: “You must maintain self-control. If you are about to lose control, say ‘I love you and I feel like I am about to say something hurtful, and because I love you, I don’t want to do that, so I need a few minutes to calm down.'”

Calling a time-out isn’t the same thing as avoiding the conflict. Taking a few minutes to calm down isn’t the same thing as saying, “I’m losing, so I quit.”

If you take a time-out, there’s a catch: You have to come back to finish the argument in a controlled way. Dr. Guy expands on the baseball analogy:

“When a coach calls a timeout, the team does not go to the locker room, shower, get dressed, and get on the bus.  They take a break, get a drink of water, regain control of their emotions, and re-enter the game with a renewed sense of hope and determination to win the game.”

Note that when it comes to couples therapy, “winning the game” is equivalent to resolving the issue.

By the way, you can’t call a time-out for your spouse — only for yourself.

Rule #4: Only Fight About One Thing at a Time

It’s a common situation. You’re arguing about who’s turn it is to empty the dishwasher, when suddenly you’re arguing about something that happened two months ago.

Why does this happen? Dr. Guy explains, “When somebody finds that they are losing an argument, they will often “go back into the history books” to find an argument that they won or was justified in, and bring it into this new argument, in an attempt to win.” It’s tempting to bring up old issues, but it doesn’t help the argument at hand.

“The problem is now you arguing about two things, then three things, and it becomes almost impossible to have something positive come out of the argument. It becomes a jumbled mess of issues,” Dr. Guy explains.

If you have several unresolved issues, it’s best to address them separately, not while you’re trying to solve the most current issue. In this case, you might consider the benefits of couple’s therapy to help you sort through issues and strengthen your conflict resolution skills.

Rule #5: Don’t Argue to Win; Argue for Resolution

This is probably the toughest rule. It is human nature to want to win, and win at any cost.

Winning doesn’t mean that you’ve seen the end of this argument. In fact, it’s more likely that you’ll be having this same argument again. Why? According to Dr. Guy, “Maybe you can win the argument through force/intimidation, manipulation, or cunning, but you will have the same argument again in a week, because it has not been ‘resolved.'” If you have a hard time with conflict resolution, couple’s therapy can help you develop these skills.

Think About Your “Opponent”

Remember that you are arguing with somebody you love.  You aren’t arguing with your enemy. You’re arguing with your spouse, and you’re not in a boxing ring (which is a square by the way). You’re not on a basketball court, a soccer pitch (not baseball by the way), a debate podium, or a football field, where you want to DOMINATE your opponent.

This is somebody that you want to build a life with — that is exciting.

If Following These Rules Isn’t Enough…Should You Consider Couple’s Therapy?

Sometimes, a couple can follow the rules for fair fighting and overcome a squabble here and there. Sometimes, though, there are serious issues (like trust issues, etc.) and additional help is needed to resolve the conflict(s). Couple’s therapy and counseling isn’t just for couples on the brink of divorce. Therapy can strengthen relationships in all phases.

Explore Your Next Steps

At NextStep 2 Mental Health, we provide comprehensive and compassionate mental health care — and that includes couples therapy and marital counseling. Whether you’ve been struggling with multiple issues or you just can’t seem to resolve a conflict, we can help you get your relationship back on track. Give us a call at our Louisville, Kentucky office at 502-339-2442, or send us a message to request more information. 

About Dr. Dan Guy

Dr. Guy specializes in the treatment of ADHD, depression, anxiety, mood swings, relational problems, and issues pertaining to self-doubt and self-value. He is skilled in the use of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), solution focused therapy, and reality therapy. He also provides psychotherapy for individuals with bipolar disorder and some addictive behaviors. Dr. Guy has helped hundreds of individuals, couples, and families establish loving relationships, healthy communication, and effectively address mental health issues. As a trusted professional, Dr. Guy will walk beside you as you face challenges in your life and will guide you toward healing and fulfillment.

You can now book an appointment with Dr. Guy here or give us a call at our Louisville, Kentucky mental health clinic at 502-339-2442 .